Oh The Humiliation…



Many of my fans enjoy reading about my masturbation mishaps and laughing at the embarrassing fixes I’ve gotten into, or nearly gotten into. I do not drive, I never learned. I tried in my teens and it didn’t work out. My mom no longer drives, so getting supplies has been a problem since she had to give up driving a few years ago. We get groceries delivered, and I found a couple of years ago a wonderful online store for toiletries called Well.ca. I have on my “Gift Me” a link for there in case anyone is nice enough to get me a gift certificate there, since I use it regularly. Well normally delivery is not an issue, and the box of goods is left right outside our door.

It must have been a new delivery person, since this last time the box wasn’t outside the door. An email had been sent that it had been shipped, so when it didn’t show, we wondered what had happened. Two days later my mom was outside and noticed a box not in front of any of the doors, but on the lawn and it has been rained on for the last 48 hours. Not knowing what was inside and being concerned it had been damaged by the rain, my mom opened the box to make sure everything was ok. I had ordered some candy, shampoo, spray on deodorant, and one other item-a bottle of lube.

Now my mom made a point of telling me the candy, shampoo, can of deodorant and the box of Wet Synergy lube was all just fine, no harm done. Being the sarcastic sort that my mom is, I’m guessing it was hard for her to hold her tongue and not make some embarrassing comment about it, seeing as she’d know it was just for my own alone use, since I don’t have anyone in my life. She managed though, so I’m grateful for that at least. A few months before when she’d been upstairs on a short visit to see my cats, she asked what the black bottle was on the side of my dresser near the edge of the bed, I just replied it was nothing, and luckily she didn’t pick up the bottle to further read what it contained.

So for those of you reading this, and laughing, I wonder how you’d react if your mom handed you a dry grocery bag with the dried off items from the waterlogged box including a bottle of lube for your “private time”. (Thank you inept morons from Purolator Courier.) Now she’s not your average mom, she’s pretty with it and liberal. She’s the one that came up with the name “ClimaxConnection” for my website, and has shown me the ostrich feather duster she and her boyfriend use “for fun”, and her warming lube and how much she liked it, but I do not need such unnecessary embarrassments to be sure.

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Real Life Masturbation Mishap

Sometimes life really is stranger than fiction. I just had a real life masturbation mishap. One of my personal phone partners had asked me a couple of weeks ago if I’d send him a pair of my panties with my juices on them for him to masturbate with, so I agreed. I got a nice but inexpensive pair, in the picture here, and he wanted to have a phone date with me and then have me wipe myself and my juices on the crotch of them and put them in a Ziploc bag and mail them to him.

I came on the phone with him 2 times and then was trying to wipe myself with the crotch of them as I was still talking on the phone to him. I then had a thought it would be easier to wipe myself with them if I got up and stood up, so I did, the room was dark. I put one foot up on the side of the bed and started to wipe myself with them.

All of a sudden I lost my balance and went over, falling between the bed and the dresser, dropping the phone, laughing, as the panties were stuck between my legs. I grabbed the phone and asked if he was still there and explained I had to get myself up. My tumble was amusing, yet hurt my elbow and leg a bit. I got back into bed, and talked to the poor guy as he finished masturbating and came. The panties stuck between my legs the entire time.

After we finished talking, I got up and placed the panties in the bag and envelope to be mailed out to him. The whole incident was memorable and very funny. I’m kind of a goofball, so it was quite appropriate to say the very least!

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The Garden Hose Incident



I decided to write about this following topic since so many have asked me about it. In the “Me Masturbating” audio I mention an experience with a garden hose. I have told this story several times since it has piqued the curiosities of many that have heard about it and wanted further details.

I didn’t elaborate in the audio about it, since I planned on posting that audio at sites where the subjects spoken of or written about need to be over the age of 18.

At the time of the “garden hose incident”, I was 15. My mom and I were housesitting for a friend of hers. It was in the summer, and around midnight. I went outside to water some flowers. It was a hot night and I was horny. I then got the idea to use the high pressure hose nozzle the same way I used the shower massager. I was wearing a caftan, a loose fitting loungewear item that goes down to the ankles, nothing underneath it.

It was a foolish and risky thing to do, and now I would never do such a foolhardy thing. It wasn’t even in a backyard, it was a front yard. There was a cement step I sat on at the edge, legs spread, caftan pulled up around my knees and I aimed the high pressure of the hose at my clit.

A water induced orgasm is usually very fast and furious, so I knew I wouldn’t be there long, it was likely under 5 minutes. When I look back and think how a car might have caught me in the headlights, or if someone had come walking along the sidewalk, or if my mom had come out to see what was keeping me so long, I shudder to think of all the things that could have brought my little hose adventure to a very embarrassing end….Luckily none of those things happened and it was fast and furious and I came quietly with no one knowing about it. It does remain one of my more memorable sessions to be sure though due to the risk involved.

So for all of you that have wondered about that brief mention of that incident in that audio, there is the full story. I do hope you enjoyed hearing about it.

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Celebrity Listener

This random rambling of mine has been rattling away in my brain since my first posting at Literotica a few years ago.

I have become rather obsessed with the idea of a celebrity finding my recordings and site. I know it’s absurd, they likely have much better things to do than poke around some woman’s odd little blog. Yet, by the same token they are people as well, it’s just that they have jobs that put them in the spotlight. They have the same needs, wants, and desires as the rest of us.

I am not a person easily impressed by celebrity. I seldom watch movies, and not much television. I’m just not a star struck person. I think it’s insane the way people idolize people because they are famous. I think most celebrities are not that intelligent, very vain and live shallow lives. So no, it doesn’t impress me much at all. I think of that Shania Twain song, “That Don’t Impress Me Much”, that’s pretty much it.

Yet they are famous and some very handsome, and of course it’s neat to think you’re turning on someone you know of, rather than just some nameless, faceless person online that finds your recordings.

I don’t know if any celebrities have ever gotten off to my recordings, it’s a fun idea to think that my voice has emptied a celebrities balls! Maybe they have even chatted with me on my ping box and I don’t even know it. Stranger things have happened I am sure. It would be very neat to have a celebrity as a phone partner, I would love that, but celebrity or not, they’d have to have the type of voice I like and good masturbation sounds to keep me interested, famous person or not. After all, that don’t impress me much…..

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Celebrity Phone Sex Partner

I have erotic recordings online. They have millions of listeners around the world. One of my fantasies is that a celebrity will find them and then contact me and we become personal phone sex partners. This must sound a bit odd, but what can I say, it is a genuine fantasy of mine. Maybe it would be one of my favorite soap opera stars from Days of Our Lives, they are after all more reachable than an A Lister, but hey a girl can dream!

As I make my recordings, I think, “Who will be listening to this?” I have no idea. When I know the number of approximate listeners, the number is pretty big, I always think surely out of the millions, a couple are famous and well known…..Maybe they are reluctant to contact me since they don’t know I wouldn’t go blabbing to the National Enquirer. I must think one day, a celebrity will reach out to me and it will be sexy as hell, and my best secret I ever had.

I won’t be able to tell anyone of course, but it would be so fantastic. Maybe they wouldn’t even be good at phone sex, but the idea of someone well known getting off to my recordings and thinking enough about me to reach out and contact me for personal fun, it’s just intoxicating to me. I often wonder if one has already chatted with me on my instant messenger, and of course I’d never know it. I will just have to see what comes as a result with enough time. I bet they’re listening, I just know it…..(Are you listening “Brady Black?”)

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Phone Sex 911


I swear you all won’t believe this is true, but sadly it is! I was in the middle of a personal phone date last night with a new young man, and was enjoying myself quite thoroughly, and the young mans phone clicked off. As he was talking to me when it happened, I had a feeling it was a technical problem rather than being hung up on.

I hit redial hoping to be reconnected, and somehow, someway, I will never know how, it called 911 instead! I have never called 911, his phone number did have those numbers in it, but in the middle, not in the end. I don’t know how it happened, but I was sitting there, or rather laying there, nude, in the dark, with the “This is 911 what is your emergency?” I am serious! I was stunned, shocked, I couldn’t believe this was happening.

I told the lady, “No, there is no emergency, it was a phone/redial problem, please DO NOT send anyone.” I was told it is policy to send officers to some place after 911 is dialed to make sure everything is alright and to please be ready to greet the officers at the door momentarily, and they were there in under 5 min…….

I barely had time to wash my hands and throw something on before they were pounding on the door shining a flashlight in my face asking questions. I told them it was a phone problem and I was terribly sorry for the mistake, that I would never inconvenience anyone or ask for help when not in trouble.

So I think I will be a bit more careful hitting redial if someones phone number contains those digits. I would love to know how it happened, since as I said I have never called 911 in my life how hitting redial to someones phone number created this even to occur, but what an experience.

After an email to the phone lover in question, I was told the phone hadn’t been properly charged and it died. So boys, make sure your phones are charged! I guess I’m the only one that uses landlines anymore…….

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